A ray of hope and my therapist points out that I’m kind of an idiot

It’s been a big week. Had interview number 2 yesterday, and it went really well. At the end of the interview he actually said, “You know, I almost didn’t call you in for an interview. Your resume is quite odd. But I’m glad I did, because I think you could be an asset to the company. So I’m sending your resume up to the final hurdle.”

I know my background is bizarre – bachelor’s in biochem, 10 years in science, and an MBA in operations management. It makes no sense. Until you talk to me. And for the past two years that’s really been what I needed as well as my biggest hurdle – getting someone to bring me in and talk to me. This could be good. I’m trying not to get my hopes up; I’ve had them dashed too many times. But… it’s hard not to feel even a little excited that something might go my way.

But I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I waiting for the let down. I’m waiting for the crash.

So I had an appointment with my therapist today, and as usual it was a barrel of fun.

Not really.

So we’ve been working on cognitive distortions and trying to combat my negative fucked up thinking. So here’s what we’ve been doing: enter negative thought, try to counteract with real true thought that is at the very least neutral if not positive. Sounds like a good strategy. Yeah, except for the fact that I start arguing with myself. I don’t mean point and counterpoint, I mean two distinct, almost something akin to personalities, arguing in my head. They’ve now taken on their own voices. He claims that this is totally normal. But I feel like a nutjob.

We did tough on some interesting things though, things I hadn’t really considered. To be frank, I don’t typically see a lot of value in myself. I’m often baffled that people want to be friends with me, and am generally not surprised when some friendships fizzle out naturally. But… I have friends that I talk to in some capacity every day, even if it’s just a few texts or sending memes back and forth on Instagram. I have a husband who has stuck with me for the better part of two decades. I mentor new students at my alma mater, one a year for the past five years (soon to be six). For most people, this program lasts a year. But I’ve kept in tough with all of my mentees well past the time we were required to keep in touch, and two of them past graduation and into either career or graduate school. He pointed out to me that these kids that are so much younger than me see something in our relationship and want to keep in touch. There’s some young kids at work that call me Mom – I listen to their problems, give advice when needed, I’m available for hugs when needed, and try to support them. They often invite me to hang out and drink with them (which to me sounds totally bizarre), and I guess it never occurred to me that these kids genuinely want to hang out with me. Hell, one actually came to Mike’s party and hung out for a bit.

I need to start realizing that I’m a worthwhile person and I have a lot to offer, both personally and professionally. I need to break through my upbringing, the trauma of bad friends through my teens and early 20s, and realize that I’m a good person. Maybe I just need to repeat that to myself a few times a day. That’s not a horrible idea, actually.

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