I think I was…praised today?

You should have figured out by now that I started a new job a month ago. I finally made the transition into management.

I had two important conversations today – one with my boss/trainer, and one with a subordinate, I guess you’d call her. They both hit the same major points though. (I have the feeling that the subordinate already had that conversation with my boss, which is what prompted both of these conversations.)

Long story short, I was told that I have made an excellent transition into management. The employees like me, I’m friendly, very personable, but I also know when I have to be their boss, and that they respond well to that. I’m authoritative when I have to be, but I’m also compassionate. I work with a number of minors, and they all like me, but also respect me.

I was really taken aback by both of these conversations. I mean, I had thought I was doing okay, but I didn’t expect this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m trying my hardest, I just didn’t think that I was doing that well.

Last time we talked about my disordered thinking, and I think that this falls along the same lines. I’m so used to my mistakes being pointed out, by being told I’m wrong, or not good enough. To being passed over for a promotion, or even a lateral move between departments.

I’m so used to failure, disappointment, and upset that I have a hard time contemplating a world where I’m doing well at something. Actually, I have a hard time seeing myself succeed at anything. Most of the time I feel like a waste of space and air.

Chalk that up to another product of my screwed up brain.

But that’s my M.O., isn’t it? I always see the worst in any situation. I have a hard time envisioning things working out. You know how people say that you should picture the outcome that you want? Yeah, I can’t do that. I can never envision a future where I succeed, or even just break even. All I can see is failure, heartache, broken dreams.

I really need to learn how to have a little faith in myself, in my abilities. I need to reorder my fucked up brain and teach it how to think new things. How hard can that be?

I have the feeling it’s going to be like squeezing blood from a stone.


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