My sleep sucks. There’s no other way to describe it. I wake up in the middle of the night, I sleep through my alarm to the very last second I can because I wake up exhausted, I have a hard time falling asleep, etc. I’ve had these melatonin gummies for months now, always scared to take them because I worry I won’t wake up on time in the morning.
I started taking them this week because I’m downright exhausted all day and my quality of sleep is absolutely awful.
I’m getting the best sleep I have in years. I’m falling asleep quickly, sleeping through the night, and actually waking up before my alarm goes off. I’m waking up a little groggy, but once I get going I feel much better than I have in a long time.
Makes me wonder why I waited so long to do this.
Oh yes. The fear and anxiety.
I think the key is going to be getting to bed early when I have to be up early (something I do any way) and really letting myself get a full 7-8 hours.
But I was thinking about it this morning – I was letting my anxiety keep me from a good night’s sleep. So my train of thought went to what else does my anxiety keep me from doing?
I have a list:
- going to parties
- going new places
- trying new things
- meeting new people
- starting a new job (I’m convinced that part of the reason it took so long for me to find a new job was unintentional self-sabotage – applying with the wrong resume, making mistakes on the resume, unintelligible cover letters, flubs on phone interviews, etc.)
I have a lot of anxiety about a lot of things. Really thinking about it, there’s not a lot of things that I don’t have anxiety about.
In my professional life my anxiety keeps telling me that I can’t do it, I’m not cut out for it, I’m going to fail. In my personal life it’s you have no friends, your relationships are going to fail, you’re going to be alone.
Reading that last paragraph I realized that I think and write about my anxiety as a separate part of me. Like it’s not really part of me, but rather someone or something else inside of my head.
But anyway, all of this anxiety eventually leads to depression. Which eventually kicks back to a mixed or hypomanic episode.
I hate mental illness. It’s like an unending game of Russian Roulette. Which chamber has the bullet? How many chambers are there – 2 or 15? What kind of bullet does the chamber have in it – anxiety, depression, mixed, hypomanic? Do I have to shoot myself in the head? Can I try it in foot, this time, maybe?
I hate that this is something that so many of us have to deal with. I hate that so much of our lives is spent monitoring our moods, feelings, thoughts, etc. just waiting for one errant thought or action to send the whole house of cards tumbling down. I hate that the space inside of my head is so disorderly that I can’t even imagine a way to organize it. The funny part of that is that I’m typically so hyperorganized and together.
Well, I’m going to go clean the oven because that’s something I can control.