We started the lower dose of the Zyprexa on Monday night. Tuesday was rough with the migraine. Yesterday I felt better. Today…. I feel like a million bucks. I got a good, solid night’s sleep. I actually got up when my alarm went off. I woke up feeling restful and ready to face the day. I wasn’t running around like a lunatic trying to throw on clothes, throw food in my lunchbox, throw everything together, and probably forgetting to brush my teeth. I was super active at work today tackling a three pallet order and dealing with things that are actually normal in my day to day life, took the car to get inspected, had dinner with a friend. I came home got some laundry done, did the litter boxes, and then decided to pull the trigger and buy the stupid freezer for the basement so off to Lowe’s it was. Ended up standing in the parking lot for an hour talking to a friend of mine that still works there. Then home, finished the laundry, folded it and put it away, took a shower, etc., etc., etc., and now I’m sitting on the couch catching up on Seal Team with my beloved. And the cats.
But as always, I have to wonder – am I feeling too good? Am I swinging to the hypomanic side? I’m thinking no. Because, you know what? I’m tired. I’m looking forward to going to bed and going to sleep. I’m perfectly content to sit here with my feet up and relax.
I hate that I can’t feel good without wondering if it’s too good. Without being scared that it’s the start of another episode. I hate that I can’t have a good day and enjoy it without picking it apart, trying to find some sign that it’s all about to go wrong.
I hate it.
The paranoia is a real thing. I have to be careful that that alone doesn’t flip me into an episode. Paranoia. Anxiety. Constantly on edge. UGH.
There’s a lot of reasons why I’m terrified of another episode. The biggest one is that I’ve worked so damn hard to put my life back together, build it, find some modicum of success. I don’t want to watch that crumble to dust out from under me.
Fuck that. I am not going to let my life be ruled by this disease. I am not going to let it ruin my life.