The world is being gripped by madness. This isn’t a secret, we’re all well aware of what’s happening. We’ve all watch the number of infected and dead rise every day. It’s hard to grab onto a glimmer of hope when things look so bleak.
This is a hard time for so many – the fear, the isolation, those that are infected, those that are watching loved ones die. This is hard for any normal person, but to those of us with mental illness this might be what throws so many of us off of stability.
I read an article today about a guy in England with bipolar disorder that just couldn’t take the isolation orders any more, and he killed himself. I… I can identify with that feeling. I’ve often wondered what would happen if I wasn’t working. If I’m not working (and don’t forget that I work in a grocery store), that means the whole damn world has pretty much shut down and we’re all in dire straits. Not being able to leave the house, hell, even the yard… I don’t think I could do it without going stir crazy. I could easily see an episode happening, and not just depression. I can just as easily see mania setting in. God help me, I can even see me rapid cycling. I think I could literally lose my mind.
I’m not made to stay in one place, stay idle, for very long. At any given time I’ve got two or three things that I’m doing. Even now, I’m sitting in front of my light box, watching Black Panther on TV, and doing laundry while I write this. If I don’t keep my mind and my hands occupied I might crack.
This is my biggest concern. Not that I’m going to get COVID-19 (ok, yes that is a concern), but the fact that in the process of all of this I’m going to lose my mental health entirely… I’m terrified.
Maybe I shouldn’t be as worried as I am. I mean, I’m a strong person who has a strong handle on my mental health. I mean, I got this, right?
But what if I don’t? What if I lose everything? I can’t do this again.