Currently listening to: With You Around – Yellowcard
I spent a good portion of the last few days examining my mood and what it is. I have been very personable, flirtatious, sexually ready-at-all-times; I’ve gotten a hell of a lot of things done the last few weeks. I’ve formed new relationships with new people. I’ve strengthened old relationships. I’ve drank a fair bit more than normal (ok, a lot more than normal). I’ve laughed more.
But… I don’t think that this is hypomania setting in. I’m sleeping well (finally). I’m not taking on more than I should. I’m not starting a ton of new projects that I’ll never finish. I’m not sleeping around.
I really hate that when I feel good I always worry that it’s too good. I mean, there’s good reason for this, but I feel like I can’t enjoy life when it is good. And I hate that. I hate that I can’t feel pretty, want to talk to my friends, hell, want to sleep with my husband, without worrying that my mood is about to go sideways.
Why can’t I just enjoy things for what they are?
Ugh. I’m so frustrated. Part of me wants to sit back and enjoy everything that’s going on, but I worry that if I do, a mood change might sneak up on me without me noticing before it’s too late. And I feel like while I have a good support system around me, they’re going to be enjoying this version of me too much.
And then, either way, what happens when this ends? Will this end? Is this the new me? The new normal? The me on balanced medication that makes it so I can actually feel good?
God, this is anxiety on top of bipolar on top of anxiety. It’s like a shit sandwich that no one ordered and no one wants. Why the hell CAN’T I BE NORMAL?!