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“I don’t want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted just like that, and it didn’t mean anything? What then?” ― Neil Gaiman, Coraline

I had a conversation today with a friend about wanting, specifically about wanting something that you can’t have. I mean, we all want a lot of things – money, things, relationships, things both tangible and not.

But it got me thinking. What do I want?

I guess I want what everyone wants. I want to be happy, healthy, successful, loved. But I also want a lot of things that I can’t have. I want mental stability. I want total financial stability. I want my student loans to be paid off.

Maybe this is just me, and don’t get me wrong I’m ridiculously happy in my marriage, but sometimes I wonder what life would be like if things had worked out differently and I had ended up with someone else. Sometimes I wonder these things about an ex or someone that I knew years ago, sometimes about someone I know now, sometimes about random people that I encounter.

I wonder what life would be like if I made a different, simple decision 20 years ago – went to a different college, went to a different bar one night, etc.

Sometimes these thoughts keep me up at night.

Overall I’m very happy with my life. I really am. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m not, and maybe it’s just that my brain never shuts the hell up, but I’ve thought about these things for almost all of my life.

I think that in many ways we all live a million different lives – the one that we’re actually in, and the ones we wonder about. The thousands and millions of possibilities that once existed if only we had made a different choice at some random moment in time.

It’s like the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who. If you haven’t seen the show, they’re aliens that are quantum locked, meaning that they can’t move if someone or something is looking at them. If they touch you, they send you back to a random time point before your birth, and they feast on the potential energy from the days that person would have lived. In the show they’re absolutely terrifying, and the whole concept is creepy as hell. (I feel like I’ve written about them before – either that or I am having some major déjà vu).

Anyway, the point is we all have that potential energy, and it’s never going to turn into kinetic energy. It’s just going to be lost into the universe.

I need to stop thinking and go to bed.

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