Listening to: Only in the Night – The Stolen
I’m still currently loving life. I just wish this was all over so I could get a hair cut, but I’m not going to be one of those people protesting because I’m inconvenienced that people are dying. People really need to get some perspective. Don’t get me wrong – I feel bad for the people out of work, and the small business owners that are trying to figure out what their next steps are going to be, but at least the people I’ve encountered are upset because they can’t go shopping or get their hair cut or are annoyed that their kids are home and have to deal with them themselves and are pissed because they want everything to open right now.
I’m still in a good mood today, but maybe a little quieter, if that makes sense. I’ve been introspective this morning while getting things done around the house before I go to work. The music I’ve been listening to is a little less in your face and more mellow. I fell asleep on the couch last night while I was waiting for Mike to get home from work and ended up taking a 12 hour coma. I woke up really confused. I thought it was still last night. I hate nights like that. I obviously needed the sleep (only got about 4 hours on Friday night), but I hate those deep sleeps where you wake up confused, rested but also still kind of tired, and slow to start the day. At least I don’t have to be at work until this afternoon. I was able to shake that off gradually, eat breakfast, take a shower and clean the bathroom, balance the checkbook, and here we are. I’ll need to start getting my lunch packed and dressed in the next 45 minutes or so, but it’s been kind of nice, in some way, to just slug my way around the house doing the little things that need to be done.
I’m taking a break today from working out. I’ve done a workout every day for the last 10. I need a break. My muscles are screaming at me this morning. I say this now, but there’s a very real possibility I’m going to get home from work tonight and say “you know what? I could do a half an hour.”
In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I tend to be very driven and ambitious. Sometimes to my detriment. I need to learn when to push, and when to sit back and take a break. It can be hard though – sometimes I feel as though I’m in constant movement. My life can very much be a whirlwind. I need to learn to let people help – that I don’t need to do absolutely everything by myself. It’s a hard lesson to learn, especially when I generally expect that no one is going to help me and that I’m on my own.
But I’m really not – I mean, I have Mike who has stuck around almost 20 years at this point. My family would be happy to help if I needed them, as would most of my friends. I just can’t shake the mentality that I have to handle everything myself. This is probably due to the fact that for many years I did. I kept my family in the dark about anything and everything that was happening to shield them, my so-called friends were unreliable at best, and I really had no one that I could count on, no one to lean on. That’s a hard feeling to shake and a hard habit to break. It was these experiences when I was young that have shaped who I am, at least in terms of this. It’s almost like I think that if I’m going to go down, I’m not taking anyone with me. It’s very much a protection instinct too. I’ve always protected my family from what’s going on with me. In some ways it’s because I’m a very private person and I just don’t want to share, but it’s also because I don’t want to burden anyone with my troubles, or even my successes sometimes.
That’s all I’ve got for today. I still have a lot of thoughts swirling, but most of them I don’t really know how to quantify or explain.