It’s been a long few months. Those of you that follow this blog know that I’ve mostly been surviving all of the craziness, but there’s been a lot of stress in many aspects of my life.
I’ve been all vacation all week. I’ve seen friends, I’ve gotten some stuff done around the house, read four books, lazed around, all of the things that you do during a staycation. It’s been nice. But I’ve been feeling restless stuck in the house. Mike went back to work on Wednesday so I’ve very much been at loose ends for the second half of the week.
And then it hit me Friday night – what I needed was a short road trip. I couldn’t leave the state because I’d have to quarantine for two weeks, and nothing is really open anyway. Then it hit me – Gettysburg. The Visitor’s Center and park were open. Perfect.
I’ve always loved going to Gettysburg. When I was a kid my grandparents and I would often jump in the car for a day jaunt to the park. My grandfather was a huge Civil War buff, and some of my fondest memories as a kid were driving around the battlefields and him telling me stories of what happened there and other bits of Civil War history. Those were good times. Some of the best. So that’s what I did. I jumped in the car yesterday with a lunchbox full of drinks and snacks and headed for the turnpike.
There’s something about just driving – clears your head, helps you re-find your center, and lets you work out problems. And I did just that. I examined some things going on in my life and tried to put everything in perspective. I thought. I sang along to what I wanted to listen to. And I drove.
When I got to Gettysburg my mom called. And literally freaked out that I drove 2/3 of the way across the state by myself and was tooling around the battlefields, again, by myself. She was not happy to say the least. I pointed out that I’m almost 40, Mike was well aware of where I was and what I was doing and sent me off in the morning with a kiss and a “have fun,” and that I was more than capable of doing this and keeping myself safe.
She practically lamented about how independent I am and how she could never do such a thing because she always had to have someone with her. I calmed her down and pointed out that, again, I’m more than capable of doing these things by myself and that I was relishing in being alone, truly alone, for once. I think I got my point across because she dropped it with an admonishment to stay safe and call when I was on the way home.
But I can’t stress enough how nice it was to hit the open road by myself. In a house with three adults, where one is working from home and is always here, and the other is working reduced hours, there is no such thing as being alone. There’s been a lot going on in my head recently, and I needed to put it on straight again. I needed the space and the time to work some things out, work through some thoughts and feelings and have the space to analyze some situations.
I feel better today. I feel clearer. More centered and grounded. Better.
Sometimes I really just need to do that – fuck off to God know’s where for a day and just take in the sights and scenery and put myself back together. Call it a mental health day, if you will. But at the end of the day it is what I needed. I love my husband, but sometimes I really need some time for just me. And I think that’s okay.
I’ve never been one of those people that have to spend every free minute with their spouse. I need space. Space to think. Space to ruminate. Space to break myself apart and rearrange the pieces and see how they fit together in a slightly different way, if that makes sense.
There’s been a certain situation taking up a lot of my head space recently, and I was finally finally, after months, able to put it into perspective and really take the time to figure out how I feel about things and how I want things to move forward. Or maybe just end. But I’m now more comfortable with that idea than I was two days ago. I’m not happy with it, but if that’s what happens, that’s what happens. And I’m okay with that.
So yeah. Sometimes you really do just need to get away.