Life is to be lived, not controlled…Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man
It’s been a rough week between going back to work, a totally screwed up sleep schedule, and realizing the last little bit here I haven’t felt… right.
Work is what it is. Masks are mandatory again, so I’m back to getting bitched at by people who don’t want to wear one and the people that are pissed that other people aren’t wearing one. We’re literally doing the best that we can. Calm your pants down. I can’t bodily remove people from the store, so what do you want me to do? We’re already denying them service at various points around the store if they don’t have one on. What else are we supposed to do? We don’t have the luxury of the bigger stores by having a security guard on site, and I’m sure as shit not putting my hands on someone. Seriously people. Just put on the stupid mask.
I’m not sure what happened to my sleep schedule this week. I had a close-open situation, and I’m always anxious that I’m not going to get up on time so I don’t sleep well. For whatever reason this time I barely slept at all. I mean, I got two hours of sleep. Went to work the next day, came home and snoozed for about four hours, and then was up until 3 in the morning (again), and only got another two hours of sleep before work the next morning. I was feeling all kinds of out of sorts by the end of the day yesterday. Luckily I’m off today, but I decided to not nap when I got home from work, and rather stay up until 10, take some melatonin and try to get a solid 10-12 hours, which I managed. But I remembered why I hate taking melatonin. Vivid, stressful dreams. I had dreams about old jobs. Old boyfriends. None of these dreams were good. And because of the stupid melatonin I couldn’t wake up, and just moved from one into the next. That is the absolute last time I take that shit. I would rather have another night of disrupted sleep than wake up feeling stressed and anxious and like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. Fuck that noise. Never again. I threw them out.
Lastly, after my trip out of town last week I felt much better. But it made me realize that I had been a bit out of sorts for awhile. Not an episode, I don’t think I’d even qualify it as a blip, but definitely not 100% right. I’ve been stressed, making weird choices (not necessarily bad, but see above), doing things that I don’t usually do, been overly driven, been slightly obsessive about things, just not feeling like myself. So I took a break from a lot of things this week. Other than work, I eschewed a lot of my responsibilities this week, totally disregarded my normal to-do lists, and just chilled the fuck out while I reevaluated things. Today’s Friday, and I feel better. Not 100% yet, but I feel like I have my priorities straight and my head back on in the correct direction. I really think the stress of the past few months was manifesting in me trying to control every last thing in my life down to the smallest detail and becoming absolutely obsessive about things. I’d mentally berate myself for not getting things done. At the end of it, I realized that I was strung tighter than a high-wire and I had screwed myself into a hole that was too tight. I really need to learn that I’m good enough, and I don’t have to be so disciplined or regimented. I need to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. And sometimes that disciple and over-control of things is really just me subconsciously trying to gain control of some part of my life because something else is starting to or already is spinning slowly out of control. Life isn’t meant to be controlled. Sometimes there’s danger in the loss of control, and sometimes there’s beauty. The key is knowing the difference.