We accept the love we think we deserveStephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Last night I got what Mike calls #whitegirlwasted. It had been a day, so on my way out of work I grabbed a bottle of win. Drank the whole thing in a little over an hour. Yeah, wasted. I’m not hungover, hungover today, but I’m not feeling my best. I woke up at 6 AM to go to the bathroom and I couldn’t figure out how to get back into bed since the sheets were all tangled. So I just came out and slept on the couch. It was a confusing time.
I had a memory popup on Instagram this morning with the quote from Perks. It got me thinking. Is this why I can never understand why people want to be friends with me, or don’t understand how guys I’m friends with catch a little bit of feelings, or even why Mike had stuck around for 17 years? That I don’t feel like I deserve it?
It took me a long time to find my tribe. For years I tried to fit in, didn’t explore my real interests, tried to be interested in what my so-called friends were into even though I was totally not, tried to not rock the boat. It was during my second go-round at college that I started letting myself be me. Starting over like that kind of gave me a second chance at a new start. It was a slow process, but I really began to explore the things that I was interested in. I took chances. And I talked about my interests with people. And I found, for the first time outside of Mike, people were interested in what I had to say. It was an odd feeling.
And yes, a lot of the time I still have a hard time figuring out why people are friends with me or why they want to spend time with me. Don’t get me wrong, my self confidence is better than it probably ever has been, but it’s still crap. And I don’t know how to improve it. Probably therapy, but to be honest, I kind of don’t even want to bother. I’m kind of over having to tear myself down and put me back together again. It’s worked (sort of) for things in the past like negative thought patterns and whatnot, but I feel like this is going to be a lot harder than that as this has become an intrinsic part of who I am.
Another thing is, though, when I was a kid, I was always told not to be proud, that your achievements really weren’t your own – they were the family’s or your teacher’s or whatever, that you’ll make other people feel bad, it sounds like boasting, etc., etc., etc. It’s hard to learn how to be confident and proud when during your formative years you’re constantly told to not be these things.
I don’t know, maybe it would be worth it to touch on in therapy. But how do you really build self-confidence and the sense that you’re worthy of love?