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I have a hard time trusting people. My trust in people has been shattered so many times, that I find it hard to give that trust to people easily, any more. But I’m trying. I’m trying to learn how to not assume that people are going to screw me, manipulate me, break my heart, etc.

When I was in my early 20s, I knew a group of people that all turned out to be, by and large, manipulative users. I thought they were my friends, I thought that they were my good friends, but they turned out to be not good people. For three years I watched them use me and other women for money, rides, sex, etc. They took and took and took from all of us. I remember when I was living with a friend of mine, one of the guys came over looking for my roommate, presumably to hook up. She wasn’t home, so while he and I were sitting in the living room talking, he kept trying to convince me to sleep with him. He was an absolute man-whore, and not someone that I wanted to sleep with on any planet, so I kept brushing him off. He didn’t talk to me for a week after that once he realized that it wasn’t going to happen, and then after that things were strained for a long time.

But god forbid that you needed something from them, even if it was just someone to talk to. They’d be out of there faster than you could blink.

The friends I had at this age, this group and others, were not good for me. They were users, they were manipulative. But I was just so happy to have people that I could call my friends that I didn’t realize what was happening or just how toxic these people were.

So these experiences have colored my friendships even to this day. I hold people at arm’s length. I don’t trust. I hold myself back.

In the end, you have to choose whether or not to trust someone.

Sophie Kinsella, Shopaholic & Baby

I’ve found, though, that there are people that even after years I keep at arm’s length, and then there are people that seem to somehow get close and be trusted incredibly quickly. There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to who these people are. I have relationships where you would assume that we’re close that I just don’t completely trust, and then people that I have only known less than a year that know my some of my deepest and darkest. And I don’t know, or understand, what the difference is.

Maybe there are just some people that you’re going to encounter that that trust builds quickly, either because of circumstance, or because of personality, or a feeling of connection. I don’t know. When I look at the people in my life that I really trust, some of those people kind of confuse me. There’s a few that, if you knew me, you’d be surprised to know the level of trust that’s there.

This is apparently going to be one of those things that doesn’t have any rhyme or reason to it. And I guess that that’s okay. It’s hard for me sometimes to just accept things at face value and say that it just is what it is.

Currently listening to: Glitter and Crimson by All Time Low

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