mental health

When you start feeling some kind of normal again, but also not

It’s been a week and a half since the sleep debacle ended. I think my body is attempting to catch back up on it, because now I’m sleeping like the dead. I’m feeling much better, but I’m still tired a lot of the time. Hopefully over the next week or two that will even out and I’ll be back to fighting fit.

I’m mostly back to my overly organized self. The planner is back in full effect (mostly), but sometimes I’m having a hard time getting some things done. I still haven’t gotten the motivation to work out. I know I just need to get downstairs and do it, but I’m struggling with the motivation to start, even though I know once I do it’ll be fine and I’ll be back at it. It just sounds exhausting. And the food. There have been more than a few days that I just eat, seemingly constantly. I’ll do okay until the evening and then I just storm eat for two hours. I’ll eat even when I’m not hungry because I’m literally craving food. I’m not sure how to get this to stop.

Honestly? I have two appointments tomorrow – one for two new tattoos, one for a piercing and a jewelry change, and I’m hoping that rush of endorphins and adrenaline knocks me back into some kind of sense. It has in the past – Mike’s made the comment before when I’ve been feeling out of sorts that it’s obviously time for a new body mod because he knows that tends to even me out.

I want to get back to feeling like myself. I hate that feeling that, while I generally feel fine, it’s like I’m just slightly off of my axis. Not by much, just a degree or two, enough so that things don’t feel quite right. I’m not sure if this is a mental health thing or if everyone gets this way sometimes.

That’s the funny thing about mental illness, you’re never really sure if what you’re feeling is a normal thing to feel or if it’s a symptom of your disease. Like, is this a bipolar thing? Or is this an every person thing? How do you draw the line at what’s your disease and what’s actually a normal way to feel? It’s not like you can really ask someone this. I mean, I could probably ask Mike, but I feel kind of crazy asking him that.

I’m one of those people that’s overly self-reliant and doesn’t want to burden people with their problems. I want to figure things out and do things on my own. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but I need to learn to ask for help. Writing this made me just text Mike and ask him. He’s at work so I don’t assume I’ll get an answer quickly, but at least the question is out there. Thanks for that motivation. Had I not written this I probably wouldn’t have said anything.

I think I just need to force myself to do things. I really think that once I do I’ll start feeling a little more normal and back to my old self. Not all at once, just a little at at time, maybe one thing a day. A workout. Cleaning the kitchen. Not eating everything in sight. Giving the cat a haircut. You know, little things.

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