mental health

Wait, what am I listening to?

I discovered this morning that Machine Gun Kelly put out a pop-punk album.

This is… actually pretty good.

I didn’t go in with high hopes, but… yeah. I’m digging this.

Work was a struggle last night. The new kid put in his notice, swore he’d work out the notice, and then stopped showing up. I thought better of him. Then there was a call off last night so I spent all night on register last night. There was me and one other cashier. Made for interesting times more than once, namely when she had to take her last break. But we made it work. We need people so badly it isn’t even funny. Understaffed doesn’t even begin to describe the problems that we’re having. There’s about six people in the store that if I could clone, I’d happily make 8 of each of them and run the store with the clones.

Our biggest problem in terms of hiring is that we’re hiring at a much lower rate than other stores in the area. By a significant amount. It makes it hard to get and keep people. One of our new leads was offended that the new kid got a new job and left and couldn’t understand why he would take a job and then take a new one. We all just shrugged – more money. None of us can blame him. It sucks, but people have to do what’s best for them. And we all know that if we were offered more money somewhere else we’d most likely go. So you can’t fault him for that, even if it does suck for us.

I mentioned in my post yesterday that everything’s going normally, and that it’s kind of odd. Euthymia is not something I’m overly familiar with experiencing. And honestly? When it does come along I’m kind of always waiting for the other shoe to drop and things to go totally askew. I hope every time that this lasts, but it never does. Maybe that’s the pessimist in me and I need to learn to enjoy it for what it is while it lasts. Maybe that’s the anxiety talking.

Interestingly enough, I had an appointment with my shrink earlier this week and we were talking about something and he says “that’s your ADD at work.” Wait. What? Apparently I have a diagnosis of adult ADD, but since I’ve developed coping strategies over the years everyone decided it wasn’t a big deal and kind of moved on. When we dove a little more into it, things that I had chalked up to the bipolar of even the anxiety were actually symptoms of ADD, and in some cases the anxiety is what drove the coping mechanism.

For example – I’m serially early for everything. I mean, I’m a half an hour early most of the time. My friends have started showing up when I’m meeting them somewhere 15 minutes before the agreed meet time because they know that I’m going to be there. But for a long time when I was in my early 20s I was habitually late for everything. So I started being early to soothe the anxiety of being late. Disorganization? I became hyper organized – the planners, the calendars, the lists… all a product of ADD, solutions also driven by anxiety of constantly being unorganized. Distraction. I still have problems with this, but I don’t zone out like I used to. I’ve also stopped jumping from thing to thing with the mantra of I have to finish this before I move on to something else. This especially can be hard sometimes because I often have a lot of balls in the air at both home and work, and staying on task can be incredibly hard. Again, this is where lists comes into play. And bursts of anger? Oh yeah. Again, I chalked this up to irritability and the bipolar, but apparently this is a hallmark of ADD.

But this is another example of how I’ve found that my symptoms of different disorders bleed together and form like a super disorder. At this point does it even matter what’s causing what? Probably not. We medically treat the biggest problems and then do therapy for the underlying issues.

It seems like every year that goes by I gain more of an understanding and appreciation for how complicated dealing with mental health is. It seems like a lot of times once we get one issue dealt with another one sneaks in the backdoor.

Mike said to me awhile ago that he marvels at how I deal with each thing that pops up and just refuse to back down, and that a lot of people wouldn’t have that kind of mental fortitude. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms before. I guess what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

3 thoughts on “Wait, what am I listening to?

  1. It’s like Captain Planet, except with antipsychotics.

    This was my first foray into MGK. I have almost no desire to dip into his non p/p stuff, as it’s just not my thin mg. But we’ll see. Never say never.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s