My mom called me recently to tell me that one of my good high school friends was pregnant. Good for them, I said. She was confused – she assumed that I knew. I told her that she and I had fallen mostly out of touch over the years. She commented how sad that was – we were so close in high school.
That was 20 years ago. Did she really expect that I’d keep in touch with everyone? I barely had friends in high school as it was – I was horribly shy and introverted and also never wanted to get caught up in the bullshit drama of high school. I mostly kept to myself with a small group of friends, most of which went to other schools.
Sometimes it sucks though – I’m “friends” with a number of people from high school on Facebook, and recently there has been a resurgence of old photos from way back when. I’m in almost none of them.
Occasionally I wonder what it would have been like to have a bigger group of friends, or kept in touch with more of them. But then I realize that I’m still that same little introverted girl.
Friends from high school are more about proximity than shared interests or beliefs.
The fact that I was never completely understood by family also extended to the people I was around in school. I was always the little weird one. I’ve long since come to terms with it, but looking back I missed out on a lot. It just makes me sad that just because I never knew how to be myself, I missed out on friendships and experiences, you know?
But it made me realize something – I still to this day hold people at arm’s length and don’t let them close. I had thought that this was something I had gotten better at, but apparently it’s still something I’m struggling with. In some ways I really want to learn how to fix this, but at the same time, I also don’t.
Maybe I just have poor taste in my choice of friends, but I’ve been burned so many people that I really do much prefer to keep people at arm’s length or further. I don’t want to let people in. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I much prefer to be by myself with only Mike and one or two close friends. I don’t want to be Miss Social. I really do prefer to be at home with Mike and the cats.
I don’t know anymore. Dealing with people is absolutely exhausting.