I really thought I was going to get through this winter unscathed. My mood’s been great, sleep has been good, everything was falling into place.
The last week or so my sleep has been majorly screwed up. I get either 12 hours of sleep or 5 and then need a nap halfway through the day. I can’t get comfortable in bed, and end up sleeping on the couch. Add to that, I’ve felt a little off recently, just not my best. As usual today, around 1 PM I needed a nap. I meant to doze for an hour, ended up sleeping for 4. Woke up – BAM. I felt it in my bones. Hello depression, my old friend. I still managed to push myself and make it to the gym, but it wasn’t a good workout. I just couldn’t get myself engaged.
I’ve already emailed my shrink. He normally gets back to me in a day or so. I had an appointment with my therapist today, but he seemed totally checked out and I could see him reading his screen and then typing. I didn’t even end up bringing it up because it seemed like an exercise in futility.
What I wouldn’t give to be neurotypical, to not have to deal with this crap, to not have to feel like this. I feel like I could go to bed and sleep for a year, if only I could sleep.
I know it’ll get better, that this is a finite state, but damnit if things don’t feel bleak right now.
I guess I’ll try again to get some sleep.
Hugs xo
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Thanks.
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I feel you on this. My entire life has been spent battling one depression after another. I hope your mood swing is short this time.
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I’m lucky in that I get long stretches of something resembling eurythmia, and my episodes generally aren’t as bad as they used to be, but this sucks.
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Thanks for this post. Are you bipolar I or II?
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II. I had a I diagnosis originally as I had a psychotic mania, but it’s believed now that that was due to the meds they had me on (namely Zoloft). I haven’t had psychotic features in the 20 years since then.
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I was also misdiagnosed initially: major depressive disorder with psychotic features. Now I’m bipolar II. Glad to hear you’re done with psychosis, that’s a messy business.
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Yeah hallucinations were not fun in the slightest. I honestly should have been hospitalized during that, but for whatever reason I wasn’t. I’m just glad that’s over and isn’t the norm for my episodes.
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You weren’t hospitalized? Wow, you got lucky to make it out alive! Having normal hallucinations would be a stressful way to live, that’s for sure.
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Lucky for me once the idiotic doctor I was seeing at the time figured out it was the Zoloft and took me off of it they stopped almost cold turkey. I was still manic af, but at least I wasn’t seeing anything anymore.
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Visual hallucinations, auditory? Or both?
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Both.
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Definitely relate to this. I have bipolar 2 Disorder. It’s so hard. When I know it’s coming and that it’s likely only gonna get worse, my body gets so anxious and I end up in so much pain. It’s a hard way of life. Sending love and hugs.
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Agreed. And the anxiety makes the depression worse which makes the anxiety worse… It’s like a never ending cycle
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