I’m just so tired but I can’t fall asleep

I managed a whopping 2 and a half hours of sleep last night. I guess in some respect that’s better than what I was expecting, but by the same token it wasn’t enough. Don’t get me wrong, I made it through the day with no problem (probably didn’t hurt that I feel like I never sat down once I got to work), did grocery shopping, came home and put it all away, did some things around the house…

And as tired as I am, I know I’m not going to fall asleep anytime soon. In my head there’s things I want to get done tonight, and I feel obligated to do them. It isn’t even anything all that important – do the last bit of laundry, take a shower, do some self care with masks… see? Nothing important. Nothing that can’t be done tomorrow. But… it’s almost as if I feel like because I have it on the agenda for today, I have to do it.

Sometimes I wonder if this slavery to the list thing I’ve got going on is a symptom of one of my many (and apparently growing) list of diagnoses. It’s the obsessive kind of behavior. It’s the idea that if it’s scheduled, I should at least make an attempt to get it done.

I make the lists because they keep me organized and on task. It really helps me to having things that need to be done pre-scheduled throughout the week. It means I don’t get to Friday and have the “oh shit I have so much that needs to be done still” moment. It helps me space out what needs to be done throughout the week, and it helps keep me accountable to getting things done.

But right now I’m just so tired. I may very well throw the last load of the laundry in the washer, hop in the shower, and try to relax and go to bed. It also doesn’t help that Mike works until 11 tonight and I’d really like to see him. I guess we’ll see. Maybe I’ll do the above and just sit on the couch and watch TV and see how the evening goes.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s time to throw the list out the window for the day and just try to sleep.

I’ll keep you posted.

Stay safe, friends!

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