No no no, not in that way. No one wants to see that. What I mean, is that we’re streaking in that I’m still feeling good and having good days. Yesterday was productive. I woke up a little later than I wanted to, but not crazy late. I got up, felt energized, made and changed a few appointments, made a few other phone calls, and then went to the gym. Guess what – I actually jogged a whole minute! Progress, people. Did a Sam’s and grocery pickup, came home, got a bunch of stuff done, and then Peepers pulled a Watson and conned me into a two hour nap. Got up, made dinner, hung out with Mike, got the house cleaned up, and got some laundry going.
Overall, a really good day. I also finished Cobra Kai (seriously, if you’re not watching this, you should be; it’s really good). I’m feeling good, mood is good, productivity is good…I feel like I’m in a good place. It’s an odd feeling. My mood over the past few months has been ok – not great, but not bad. I just haven’t been totally here for it.
My moods have always been kind of interesting to me – a lot of the time I don’t really notice that something’s not completely right until I’m out of it. Then I look back and think, “well shit. That wasn’t normal.” I’m not saying it was worthy of being called an episode, more like just feeling kind of… off. Just a little not right. I’m not saying that my mood is perfect now – it’s better, that’s for sure, but I think that when you deal and live with a mood disorder, there’s always room for improvement.
A friend of mine that had been dealing with a mood disorder almost as long as I have, was recently diagnosed with narcolepsy, which was apparently misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder. The first thing she said to me is that I should get tested because I’m probably not bipolar. In another life I’d jump at the suggestion. But I’ve come to terms with my diagnosis and the life that I have to lead because of it. I’m pretty sure that it’s not narcolepsy, just good old fashioned bipolar disorder. And I realized that I’m ok with that. It is what it is – there’s nothing that I can do about it, so why fight it? I think that over the years all of us deal with different levels of acceptance of our diagnoses. In some ways it’s almost like the stages of grief. And I’ve pretty much landed on acceptance. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t at other times deal with some of the other stages – anger (more like irritation) being the main other one.
I wouldn’t say I’m angry about it anymore. At one point, yes, definitely. But there’s a certain irritation that I feel sometimes when I’m taking my meds, or dealing with doctors, or even reading new studies that have come out about one of my comorbidities. Sometimes the research makes me laugh – these people have clearly never dealt with a mood disorder personally. Even through the cold, clinical writing sometimes you just get the feeling that they don’t get it. Probably why I like Kay Jamison’s books so much.
I guess that’s enough of my ruminations for today.
I hope everyone has a good weekend. Stay safe, friends!